Randi looked disoriented as she settled in for a ride downtown. I could tell she was really distracted. Perhaps it was her pregnancy (5 months along, I guessed).  Randi was not American, I observed from her talking on the phone.  As we headed off into the endless stream of traffic congestion, I mentioned it might take a little longer than usual.  She smiled and said, “That’s just fine with me, perhaps I can get some dating advice?”

I looked at her through the rear view mirror and responded, “You are pregnant and you are asking me for dating advice? What’s going on?”

A Complicated Situation

Randi was quite upset, like she had been holding something in for a long time.  She told me that it was a bit complicated.  Her husband was a consultant at a very prestigious firm and he traveled over 200 days a year. I thought, Of course there is a problem, that’s a lot of time to be separated from each other.  Apparently though that wasn’t necessarily the issue. Randi further explained that they weren’t in love with each other and wasn’t attracted to him physically. Hmm, yes. That could be a big issue in a relationship, right?  

It got a bit MORE complicated… Randi told me that they’d thought about divorce, but for some reason decided it wasn’t a viable choice for them and instead just tried to move forward.  Of course, not being in love in a marriage can be a major obstacle in keeping a relationship healthy. The complications kept coming.

Randi went onto tell me that she was in love, BUT with another man from her country, who worked here in Boston last year.  They had a really hot love affair, but he returned home to their native country to be a CEO for a start-up.  She told me how amazing it was on every level, especially physically!  Now I know exactly what you are thinking, because it was the first thing that popped into my mind too… whose baby was she carrying?   She assured me it was her husband’s. (Whew!) Of course bringing a baby into the world wouldn’t resolve the problems Randi was having with her husband. Sadly, it would only serve to be a distraction.  

The Problem

The problem for Randi was she had continued emailing her lover, but he wouldn’t respond. I mean, seriously? I gently asked her, Could it possibly be because you are pregnant and it’s not his child?  Randi explained that she was not a happy soul. Now came the hard truth… I told Randi that chasing after her ex-lover was not the answer, in fact the more she reached out the more he would choose to remain silent. “WHAT NOW?” she asked.

I told Randi it was fairly clear that her ex was not interested in pursuing this relationship and suggested that if she was really wishing for the affair to continue then she should stop emailing him immediately!  The best way to test if he was still interested would simply be to go silent!  The more she showered this man with attention the more control and power he would have. Honestly, by not communicating with him, would drive him a little nuts. He wouldn’t be able to handle the silence and it would leave him no other choice but to reach out.  Of course if she continued not to hear from him… WHAT NOW?  Time to move on!

*All names and particulars have been changed to protect the privacy of all mentioned.